Kashmir Portal

A digital Kashmir Info Network

Wish we had never met!

Posted by Kashmir Portal on June 16, 2009

I stood by the large window of my house and looked up at the star studded sky. There were a few clouds floating aimlessly above my head. They seemed closer to the stars…my former friends…than I was. I used to speak to the stars whenever I needed to give vent to my feelings. Whenever my heart was burdened with emotions, they were my best pals. I always had a feeling that they share thoughts with me. I used to enjoy their best company in the solitude of midnight. I was not concerned whether they reflect the light of sun or of their own; my contentment was that they accepted me as I was. Never trying to change my being. My patient listeners! My companions when no body was around. And tonight, I was sure they were the same stars now dotting the celestial canopy over my head now. The change was, in fact, in me. Looking up to them after years, caught up as I was with developing a career, a monotonous routine and the humdrum of life.
Hesitantly, I decided to break the ice and asked. “How are you?” They looked back impassively. In fact, I wasn’t sure if it was me they were looking at. I asked again, ‘can you hear me’?  They seemed to nod in affirmative. They were still the same, unlike human beings, but I wasn’t. I was feeling guilty of leaving them for people who had never been mine. I confessed before them as to what brought me down. “You lost so much, losing us wouldn’t cost you much, goodbye”, they seemed to say. Suddenly, they appeared to be twinkling from far away. This came as a bolt from a blue to me. My shining stars turned a deaf ear to me. Their shine was not for me now. I kept my window open for whole night; they never looked at me. I was lost in the billion faces on earth.
I am the loser, this is all what I have for myself. The reason behind my failure was my blind faith about a person who was never mine. In our lives we meet a lot of people, but only a few come closer to us. We build relationships and forge bonds on the foundation of understanding and trust. I am also lucky to have few people around me with whom I am what I am to myself. In this precious friend circle, one person was more intimately associated to me. That person was the substitute of stars. What I used to discuss with stars in my childhood, was now shared with that person.
A person coming in my life. A string of coincidences. A few more interactions and we become friends. One more friend added in my limited friend circle. I found him good enough to be there and introduced him to my friends. He was accepted with mixed reaction. Cold response, indifference and even plain jealousy. With the passage of time my maximum time was spent with the new friend. In him I found a best companion. To my resonance, he was the emotional string.  My words as well as my language; my freedom and respect. If my existence was a noun he was its adjective. I thanked almighty for this wonderful gift. But alas, within a few months of our marvelous relationship we had an argument. Over a trivial issue, infact. Nothing came out of it, but I lost my friend. I was left with no option but to take this blow. It was chilling experience. Time lost its relevance. My hands still shiver over its memory. Legs crumple. My eyes get moist. And my mind. Lost!
I was in a fix how to gather myself. How to face my rest of friends.  Stars, my childhood love were also not with me. I had lost them long back. What might have happened which led to all this? Was the relationship so fragile that it couldn’t withstand a single argument, and that too when I accepted that my friend  instead of committing wrong is still right. I was shocked. The morning sky had transformed into the darkest of nights. No stars, no moon, no hope. Inside, I felt dead and strangely detached from my own body. Powerless. Desolate . Memories became too excruciating. Felt claustrophobic as the darkness seemed to close in.
Dear Friend, I still fail to understand what went wrong? How can I forget you when everything around me reminds me of you. The way you cared for me. The way you understood me. Your seamless attention. Your wordless devotion, you seemed to be ideal person until you left. How could you leave me alone when you knew I couldn’t walk a mile without you. When somebody enquires me about you, I chock. I had pinned all hopes on you and you left me without any reason. I wish I knew the reason of your indifference. Of your abrupt U-turn. But now you are far far away to answer me. I wish I lose my memory so that they don’t haunt me relentlessly.
Now that the chances of renewal of trust and togetherness are bleak, it is of no worth to remind you of your friendship vows. I have, now, learnt the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and what a hard way to learn! I have learnt friendship doesn’t always mean security.  Meeting with a friend is not a contract and presents not promises. I accept my failure of losing a friend with head up and eyes open. I have learnt that even the sunshine burns you if you have too much of it. I deluded myself by attaching false value to a person who was never my friend. I was mad not to differentiate between gold and mud. I lost jewels while collecting stones.
Your separation has changed me a lot and put all my dreams of future into dark. My optimism has been changed into pessimism. Uncertainty mocks me at my face. This is the state of mind when you are ditched by your dear ones. You dare to question even the happenings of nature.  I don’t know how to say ‘good bye’. There is no one in whom I can confide my secrets and seek comfort from. I have lost even my stars now. They too are out of my life. My pain is unbearable. I don’t need you nor anybody else. I just want to be alone. What all I want is silence. Pure and unadulterated. Just want to tell you one thing, “WISH WE HAD NEVER MET”

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